not yet the life that will be
well, I finished my first official day of post layoff unemployment! I woke up monday morning feeling so out of place – that strange sense of being somewhere in-between, far away from the life I had, not yet in the life that will be. no one wants or needs anything from me. I said to someone that it almost feels like I don't exist anymore, because no one wants what I have to offer right now. what a crazy thought that I didn't know I had in my head.
I think I need to rebuild some structure into my life. I am not exactly someone whose life revolves around their job, but there is now a 6-7 hour void in my days, and I do feel a little aimless.
I've been catching up with ex-coworkers, which has been lovely, but I don't know if it's something I will be able to sustain. eventually this burst of energy and motivation will fade, or I'll run out of people to see... what happens after the initial contact with someone you haven't spoken to in a while? the first conversation is a novelty – of course people are happy to speak – but what about after? how do I remain in touch? is that something they want? is that something I want? this is a puzzle I've come across in so many of my relationships. I'm not good at creating conversation, I never know if my reaching out is wanted or if it's just pesky.
while I take my sweet time in figuring that out, I'm also cautiously descending into the personal development rabbit hole.
I don't know if it's helpful or harmful at this moment in time – do I need a break, or do I need to feed my internal motivation? do I need rest, or do I need direction? well, the reality is that it's probably not so binary... and just like this blog is helping me cultivate a sense of achievement & progress & self-actualization, maybe things like "reverse goal setting" & "re-evaluating my achievements in light of a different definition of success" are doing something similar.
the biggest thing, I think, is finding ways to stay engaged. I mean, it's kind of what leslie said, isn't it? you're at your best when you're interested. and right now I'm interested in strengthening my sense of agency and charting some kind of course for my life.
I don't know where I'll be in the next 6-12 months. I have a goal in mind, one that will help me get to a desired life state, but who knows if that goal will actually come to fruition? in the meantime, I have micro goals to work toward, and I think even making progress on those smaller tasks will help me in the end.
I had a nice video chat with tim yesterday. you know how people are like, 'when God closes a door, he opens a window'?, he said. yeah, I think that's bullshit. I laughed, but to be honest, I'm not sure I believe it either. who even came up with that? it's as annoying as "there's someone for everyone" – SOME THINGS ARE SIMPLY NOT TRUE. I feel like I've peered through so many windows on my way out of this era of employment, so many things that looked like lifelines, only for them all to burn straight through.
so maybe personal development & productivity & goal setting are my own attempts to crack open a window for myself. they may not get me anywhere, but let's just call it a leap of faith and see.