you don't have to do it all
life has been giving me all sorts of, shall we say, "rich" experiences lately. I feel like I'm experiencing the full spectrum of being alive. all the uncomfortable things are front and center, larger than life, and I'm getting through it somehow, just barely passing through at times, but still coming out on the other side more or less intact.
yesterday was rough. I started my period and then I had a pounding headache all day, and I couldn't tell if it was because of my period, or if it was just an aftereffect of the debilitating anxiety I felt on monday afternoon.
my therapist was late again to our session this week. she apologized and explained that she had a couple just prior to our session and that they had been in crisis, so things ran over time, but that it shouldn't infringe on my time, so she was going to move some things around to make sure this didn't happen again.
I kind of waved it away, said it was fine, asked her if she needed a minute to reset, and then we moved on for a bit... I talked about my disappointment at saturday taichi when jose wasn't in class, and my out-of-control anxiety on monday, and we talked about some of the parts that got activated, and she actually asked how the disappointed part felt about her being late to therapy again, and we spent a lot of time there. maybe it was one of the first times I allowed myself to feel my feelings without handwaving them away or blithely justifying the other person's actions – and it was definitely one of the first times someone proactively took accountability for my hurt feelings instead of handwaving them away or justifying their own actions, and that made me want to cry. anyway she is an amazing therapist and I am lucky to have her.
I'd like to let that 9-year-old me have more space in my life. I want her to be able to want comfort from other people, to expect it, to feel disappointed when she doesn't receive it. I want her to be able to ask for what she needs, rather than automatically writing them off. her tenderness and her vulnerability make me better and more whole overall.
monday was interview day, and a strange amalgamation of highs and lows. it was supposed to rain all day, and I was bummed about the idea of walking into [redacted] like a waterlogged cat. but then, when I checked the weather, there was a two hour pause in rain, and what do you know, that window of fog and no rain was during my commute.
so I headed for the subway, comfortable and dry, and got down to the platform just as the train was leaving, but what do you know, the next express train was a minute away. so I got onto the mostly empty train, and found a seat for myself, and enjoyed the peace and quiet. I also found a dollar on the floor, so I pocketed the change, to share with someone else on another rainy day.
I got to [redacted] fifteen minutes early and checked in at the security desk, and it was easy and calm and the woman who worked there was easy and calm too. I had to take a photo for my guest badge and the security dog in the background made a cameo in it.
I took all of these things as good luck. and then I had my interview, where I felt shaky but calm, and I spoke slowly and comfortably and I was answering pre-written interview questions, but in a way where it felt like a conversation, too. chit-chatting and providing additional commentary on my answers and responding to comments in between. everything went as well as it could have.
but the thing I fixated on the way home was the way my resume still said I was "presently" at my agency, and the way the hiring manager asked if I was going to the office after this. I automatically said yes and then immediately corrected myself and said no, but it was like my brain glitched and I didn't think to say, "no, actually I was laid off two weeks ago."
I agonized about this on the way home, and my good mood plummeted again as I tried to concoct a bulletproof explanation for the discrepancy, because I don't want them to think I've been lying to them!
but it's hard, too, because there is the reality of this game we're playing, which is all about me presenting myself or them presenting the role/company in the best light so that there's a match... my mother raised me to tell the truth, even when it's not necessary. but the truth isn't always wanted. I asked bin later, and she said:
I mean, an interview is for sussing out how you'd fit at a company. a structural layoff says literally nothing about your job performance, therefore it's irrelevant. I feel like you can mention it if you really want but I don't think it's important because it doesn't speak to anything about how you'd do as an employee.
and it was helpful to hear those matter-of-fact words from her mouth because I have a skewed, black-and-white view of right and wrong, but I don't know if that binary judgment is even correct here.
so I think some of the work to be done next is practical, like getting my story straight1. but most of the work to be done is emotional, meaning getting in touch with that over functioning, over performing 20-something who feels like she needs to make her career happen. because she's the one beating herself up for trying to play the game and fumbling, and she's the one trying so hard to be perfect so we can nab this corporate job that wasn't listed anywhere, that we got a special referral for, and that will look amazing on paper if we can land it.
and I think this part needs to know –
(1) there are so many invisible rules and norms and tricks when it comes to job searching. what one person says to do, another person will disagree with. there's no perfect way to do it. so it's okay that you're having a hard time navigating, and it's completely normal that you're second guessing yourself. there's a reason why it's a grey area.
(2) even if we fumble the ball and we lose this opportunity, it's okay. we have our finances in order. the mits said I had nothing to worry about. uncle raymond said he has a fund from his own finances that he offers as a form of community aid. life will go on. there will be other jobs to apply for. other people can refer you to roles. we're still looking into freelance, and the network is strong and supportive. you're allowed to be imperfect, you don't have to do it all, you're allowed to make mistakes.
(3) I'm grateful to you for trying. look at all the work you did to get us prepped for the interview! all those sticky notes about "why you" "why this role" "why this company" "what you're looking for" and all those case studies that were so time-consuming but really helped you see your experience through the lens of time and wisdom. you did really good. that work was so valuable, and it will continue to be valuable as I go forward.
(4) I know you wanted to rescue us, but you don't have to do it all by yourself. but I am so appreciative of the thought and the effort. you've done so much already, and it would've been hard to get here without you. but let's find ways to rely on our support network going forward, yeah? people are willing to help if they can.
on sunday, the day before my interview, I felt restless. normally I like to rot in my home on sundays, but I felt an "inner disturbance" (the best way I know to put it) – and I heard my neighbors vacuuming their apartment so I decided to do a deep vacuum of mine, too. I dusted all the surfaces (and even moved things aside!) and then vacuumed all the things (contorting my body to get to the hard-to-reach places). I liked seeing all the dust get sucked up, and when the light streamed in around noon, everything felt calm and clear. maybe my mind felt a little more calm and clear, too.
after that, I went outside to emotionally touch grass before the day of rain. I made myself get out of the apartment and feel the wind on my face and be surrounded by people. creating momentum now, so that I don't have to start from zero tomorrow. on my way back home I walked past the park and saw the neighborhood kids playing in the basketball court, and it just made me feel like the earth keeps spinning on its axis, and bad things will always come, but there will always be a pause in the rain.
is it that I got laid off in february and was getting ready to freelance and then got this call? (maybe, but that doesn't account for the resume that's not up-to-date, so...) or maybe it's more like, "oh, my role at [redacted] was impacted by layoffs due to restructuring at the holding company level – that happened like 2 or 3 weeks ago, so still very new..." and then I can move onto the next thing, "so, yeah, I was at [redacted] for a little over 3.5 years when that happened. but as far as timing goes, I got lucky – I had spent the first 6 years of my career in product development, then another 6-7 agency side, so I had already been thinking about the next "era" of work & where I want to be. so I've just been taking it in stride."↩