warmer by the day
today I went out and touched grass. okay, there was no actual touching of grass involved. but I took out the trash and the compost and I visited the bodega around the corner and soaked up the sun and the air that's getting warmer and warmer by the day.
it's funny – I've craved blue skies and sun for so long, but now that it's here, I find I'm not ready! I'm not ready for the change in temperature and season, not ready to grow outward, to bloom into the next part of my life. but life goes on whether we're ready or not, so I forced myself out into the world, even if only for a fifteen minute walk around the block.
a recruiter at [redacted] reached out last week – colm had referred me to a hiring manager there. I spoke with the recruiter this morning, just a quick fifteen minute call, but it left me feeling jittery and jumpy. maybe too much coffee? or too much performing? I'm letting people experience the authentic me! ...but only the best & most appealing parts! ...but still trying to be real because who wants to work with a corporate robot?!
there's four rounds of interviews in their hiring process. I'm nervous because I haven't gone through a proper interview process in a long time. I feel internal pressure to be the ideal candidate and say all the right things, just so I can secure a good role at a good company. but I also want to say, "screw it, I'm interviewing them, too."
I told the recruiter that I'm taking the opportunity to be choosy about my next role, that I'm not just looking for a job but choosing a work environment and the people I'll be working with. some days that feels more true than others. I feel tension either way – anxious about squandering an opportunity, but also anxious about falling into a job I don't really want or feel ready for. all these parts feeling all sorts of ways about work & income & the future right now.
I'm definitely afraid to verbalize too much about the role. in the last six months, I've had so many opportunities fall through, watched things that should have been easy wins slip through my fingers. I'm afraid to feel too hopeful. in our group chat, my father says things like, "four rounds of interviews? sure, let them come!" and "if God sends you, who can stop you!" I have a hard time holding onto all that confidence. I believe in the reverse – if it's not for you, it won't be yours, no matter how well you do or how good you think you are. it's hard to believe God has good things for me.
in the back of my head, I keep wondering if colm referred anyone else for the role. I keep comparing myself to this other imaginary referral. this is deeply unhelpful, but it is a picture of my scarcity mindset and my self-doubt. I have my moments of bravado, but I can't sustain it for very long yet.
in the meantime, I am continuing my slow path to freelance, in case this [redacted] window slams shut on me. am I hedging my bets in case God doesn't come through on this? yes. am I also undoing the latch on other windows to see if God will fling them wide open? also, yes. it's a game of faith and doubt. sometimes the doubt wins more, but the faith part means I don't stop trying. I'm still preparing, still reaching out, still reflecting on work anecdotes and reading job descriptions even if they scare me. I guess I don't have to be the consummate christian to believe that God still cares about me.