the taichi of life
I was so looking forward to push hands today, but when I got there, I didn't see jose and my mood really plummeted! I had been so looking forward to seeing him all week long, especially with my interview happening on monday. I had really wanted his vote of confidence. I've been feeling so anxious about the process, afraid to navigate this unfamiliar corporate web, afraid to be let down again.
it would've been nice to talk to someone who's so familiar with [redacted] that they can be casual about it. I wanted to think of this as no big deal. not having that made me spiral a little, and I felt kind of dysregulated for the rest of class. I didn't like having people in my space, I didn't like having to interact with so many partners, I didn't like their hands moving mine before they were ready to move, or having to compensate for their lack of sticky-ness.
aside from today, though, I'm liking the process of learning and practicing push hands. it's a form of nonverbal communication – you and your partner are facing each other in your 70/30 stance, the backs of your hands are touching, and it's on you to keep them touching, without force but with enough pressure to sandwich a butterfly's wing.
the two of you take turns leading and following, "speaking" and "listening." you have to pay attention to how your partner is moving, but you also have to be tuned into your body – where's your weight distribution, are you on your pivot line, are you rooted and relaxed, could you still hear your partner's energy when your eyes are closed. when it's time for you to lead (to "speak"), you're in charge of where your hand is, how close it moves to your own solar plexus – you have to bring it there and the other person has to be listening close enough to follow.
I notice that I like playing with some partners more than others. there's a few people who missed a couple classes and don't really know what they're doing, and it's hard to adjust to them while holding onto myself – like very chaotic. there's a few who are a little domineering in the way they "follow" and it feels like they're trying to lead my movement even when it's my turn to speak. there's a few people who are timid – the backs of our hands have a weak connection where they touch; and it makes me timid to bring my hand close to my body because I'm not certain they'll come with.
it's such a funny picture of interpersonal dynamics, a metaphor for the inner life. the tao of pooh, the taichi of life.