the end of an era I wanted to leave (february)
it's march! what the heck?! it's march.
what a life it was at tiffy central last month. not sure if I'm coming out of it with a sigh of relief or with my tail between my legs. maybe a little of both, if I'm honest. february was the end of an era that I'd wanted to leave for a long time, but I had to be gently pushed out for it to finally happen. when I look forward, I see pinpricks of light – maybe the start of a dozen paths forward? – but the rest is dark static. I think my path will make itself clearer as I take a step, any step, in any direction. for now I am giving myself permission to regroup and breathe and exist, with my only demands coming from myself.
I'm on my second cup of coffee. I've changed my bedsheets and vacuumed beneath my bed. I have a candle going in the other room (it took me five tries using the matchbox kori gave me from her wedding). it's nearly noon and I still don't feel awake.
I thought I'd let myself reflect on the month past. I've been doing monthly recaps in my paper planner, but maybe I'll start logging them here instead.
february recap
things I started:
investigating freelance work. knitting (I started this scarf last march, and I think I'll finally finish it, a year later).
things I left behind:
my job & the office I've been in for the last 3.5 years. the desire to find a place like that again.
what I read:
I will teach you to be rich by ramit sethi (highly recommend).
I felt like I needed to dial in this month, so I didn't read much. fiction tends to activate my imagination too much. sometimes I get a little hangover afterwards and become supremely disappointed with reality & unmotivated to exist in the actual world. so I took a little break from pleasure reading in february.
what I watched:
okay so no books... but I did watch a lot of tv! there was haikyuu season 4 & the dumpster battle (my go-tos for when I need dopamine), my fruits basket rewatch (for when I'm feeling traumatized and need a hug), my hero academia season 4 (picking up from where I left off in 2022), and the first half of passport to paris (which I was thrilled to find on youtube).
what I played:
dragon quest builders 2 on ps5. this is a never-ending game, and when I am playing, I feel like I'm addicted. the hours pass and I think to myself, "I should go do something else now," and yet I carry on. I will probably play less next month.
what I listened to:
what I wanted:
to go work at trader joe's or costco, and never update my linkedin again. to move overseas and become the offshore talent. to be reborn as a rock.
what I felt grateful for:
- people willing to chat with me, meet with me, offer me their advice & support – both strangers and longtime friendly acquaintances alike.
- my therapist charging me $0 for our sessions moving forward. she said that everyone should have access to mental health support, and that she had set her hourly rate to account for times like these.
what I'm looking forward to:
volunteering at the community bookshop. starting my tai chi apprenticeship. seeing old work acquaintances again.
it's now past noon, and my coffee is lukewarm. I still don't feel awake. but I have a desk to tidy, a scarf to knit, a curry to make... so onward, we must.