soon I'll begin to unfurl too
what is it about saturdays that leaves me feeling so catatonic by 3pm? I eat snacks for lunch and then dissociate for the next few hours and before you know it it's 6pm and I should probably think about making dinner but then I dissociate some more and by then it's 7:30pm and my evening routine is completely out of whack.
I'm developing a hypothesis that maybe push hands is a lot more draining than I think. it takes a lot out of you, having people in your personal space for 45 minutes straight. kinda like being on a crowded train during rush hour – think of all that mental energy spent on monitoring yourself and the people around you. what's more, I've started heading straight to the library after class, so I'm really just immediately switching from one taxing task to another. today I spent maybe ninety minutes trying to figure out flexboxes and spacing issues. I never figured it out! it was a complete waste of time!
push hands was fun today though. I asked steve whether you're meant to practice push hands regularly, and what happens if you don't want to be around people that day, and his answer was basically: "just don't go to class," which made me laugh. we moved onto the next "unit" in push hands, which is about letting your fingers get close enough to your partner's body to graze the surface of their skin (and vice versa). I absolutely hated it, and we laughed about that, too.
there's a taichi retreat coming up this summer, and I need to register because that's where the teacher training program will start but, as mentioned in every single blog post, your girl is unemployed! I told steve the other day and he said I could apply for a scholarship. it sounds like one of those deals where I'll still have to contribute something but the organization will cover the rest. the hardest part is knowing what I can really afford. how do you decide how much money you have to spend on discretionary purchases when you have no income coming in? it's a trick question! but – I'm grateful for the prospect of funding, and I'm excited to have this to look forward to.
jose was in class today, and I gave him my [redacted] updates. I told him that I think I'm going to get ghosted. the hiring manager said I'd probably hear back from the team this week, but it's been quiet. if they were hiring for maternity leave coverage, then they would've moved faster – so I'm wondering if maybe they weren't sold on me and now they're taking a longer term view of the role and taking their time to find the perfect fit? or maybe I'm worrying for nothing. I'll follow up next week, but I do feel pessimistic because this seems to be the norm in hiring – the team interviews a couple candidates, there's probably one or two who could do the job and become great at it over time, but the hiring manger is inexperienced and wants to find the absolute perfect person so they keep swiping – I mean, looking for candidates... – until they find the one.
it's okay, I guess. this isn't the first time it's happened to me, and it certainly won't be the last if the opportunity does indeed fall through.
I've been slowly, at a snail's pace, making some progress on the freelance front. I talked to dan last week (which, by the way, I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing – I reached out to him on linkedin and got an immediate response this time). it was good to establish the relationship and get to know him and share my experience and learn about his.
whatever I'm thinking about as my hourly or day rate is probably going to be considered expensive. figuring out my "positioning" is going to take time and introspection and craft. taking a step back to understand my process will be wildly helpful in the long run.
I found it valuable to learn about his process, though. at his level, he's having to rely on AI as his strategic sparring partner. it feels like a foregone conclusion that teams aren't going back to their traditional configurations – clients aren't paying more money for more people, they're squeezing budgets and wanting more for less... and senior leaders like dan are having to function as teams of one, delivering the same quality work for less money and with less time.
how do you fight against that? you need a lot of workers saying "no," but you also need workers who feel they have leverage, and right now it's an employer's market. anyway, just confirming that everything is shit. everyone is overworked, and the best people are bedgrudgingly accepting AI use, and the dumbest ones are embracing it wholeheartedly and trying to turn themselves into AI agents.
it's hard to keep my chin up. everything feels difficult. I'm trying not to fall into the trap of doomerism. I've been working hard lately, but I'm not sure if my efforts are going to pay off. I'm not even sure if I'm putting my effort in the right places. but I guess there's not a clear path to take right now anyway, so there are no right answers. maybe the answers are up to me?
I'm going to continue letting myself rest when I feel tired. and I'll keep noodling on some of this foundational freelance stuff. but the next right thing is probably to start putting myself out there – first with trusted colleagues, whether for feedback or encouragement... and then I can start to reach out to the broader network (dan included!) for connections and opportunities.
I've got to stretch my comfort level. only then will I start learning the things I need to put all of this into a system, so that it only gets easier from here on out. we've reached the official start of spring, which means life is beginning to unfurl. soon I'll begin to unfurl too.