because I'm afraid!
I was watching an old vanity fair interview with BTS this morning, from a couple years ago, just before their military service. hobi had to answer a question about his fears, and the members were guessing what those fears might be – heights, rollercoasters, bugs, getting stains on his clothes. his real answer was "his future," and I guess I appreciated that someone so successful and so set for life might be afraid of what's to come. the higher you climb, the farther the fall, and all.
I'm also afraid of my future!
I got coffee with joel yesterday afternoon. he asked me what I'd been doing lately, and I've felt so busy but it was hard for me to say exactly. my life doesn't look productive. even my busywork is a means to an end that I haven't reached yet, or even started. well, no, I shouldn't say that. I'm on the journey. but I keep stalling. because I'm afraid!
sometimes it feels better to acknowledge the possibility of rejection and reject (avoid) that possibility before you ever have to experience it. like, if I move forward, if I put myself out there, I might actually be rejected, and it'll stop being a "possibility" and become a reality that I have to confront.
but maybe the problem is thinking that the reality I'm experiencing is the truth of me. everyone keeps saying, "don't take it personally," and isn't that exactly what I'm doing right now?
what I'm supposed to think is not: "I got rejected and I have nothing of value to offer and no one's ever going to want me again" but rather: "I got rejected this time, and there are a dozen reasons why that have nothing to do with me, and it's not a reflection of me or my worth." but doesn't it sound like such a cope?
my brain could do with a bit of rewiring, I think.
I was listening to "merry go round" on arirang and it goes: "I can't get off this merry-go-round, it spins me around / I do my best, but I can't slow down, this merry-go-round / and I can't get off of this ride / I try, this happens every time, I can't get off of this ride" and do you know what – my brain is so traumatized by employment culture that all I could think was, "this is a song about golden handcuffs and living in the collapse of a late stage capitalistic society." if I have to suffer through it, then I guess I'm glad BTS does too.